Terrified

I have to say i’m terrified,

I’m terrified, even to jut admit, i’m terrified.

My conditioned self, is churning constantly with fear.

The unknown, being combined with looming clouds of dread… presents horrifying ideas, which my sun-conscious knows are false and absurd,

BUT

Critical thoughts and de-personalised voices, seem to be held captive in my head; unwillingly – by both parties.

They seem to be trapped within this cyclical paranoid loop of mutual agreement, of dissatisfaction. 

My head screams for help, and the thoughts yearns for escape, yet this adverse equilibrium (somehow must) remain.

And i’m terrified.

I’m terrified of this constant war.

This constant opposing journey of self discovery, which ironically (ultimately) is seeking for the same end point. 

I’m bewildered by contradicting cognitions, even within my own head… 

and the scary part is that these do not seem to be my internal voice/ my thoughts; but different people (personas/ voices/ personalities?).

Please don’t think it as being weird, I know that this cannot be the case.

Maybe think of it as mini emotions trapped inside you, each with individual motives: like in Inside Out (the Disney Film).

Nonetheless it is chilling, 

It’s terrifying…

But, still society moves on, so I must move with it.

Displaying agency or not, the facade of normality must continue…

Yet…. this should not disregard the fact, 

that i’m terrified!

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