Terrified

I have to say i’m terrified,

I’m terrified, even to jut admit, i’m terrified.

My conditioned self, is churning constantly with fear.

The unknown, being combined with looming clouds of dread… presents horrifying ideas, which my sun-conscious knows are false and absurd,

BUT

Critical thoughts and de-personalised voices, seem to be held captive in my head; unwillingly – by both parties.

They seem to be trapped within this cyclical paranoid loop of mutual agreement, of dissatisfaction. 

My head screams for help, and the thoughts yearns for escape, yet this adverse equilibrium (somehow must) remain.

And i’m terrified.

I’m terrified of this constant war.

This constant opposing journey of self discovery, which ironically (ultimately) is seeking for the same end point. 

I’m bewildered by contradicting cognitions, even within my own head… 

and the scary part is that these do not seem to be my internal voice/ my thoughts; but different people (personas/ voices/ personalities?).

Please don’t think it as being weird, I know that this cannot be the case.

Maybe think of it as mini emotions trapped inside you, each with individual motives: like in Inside Out (the Disney Film).

Nonetheless it is chilling, 

It’s terrifying…

But, still society moves on, so I must move with it.

Displaying agency or not, the facade of normality must continue…

Yet…. this should not disregard the fact, 

that i’m terrified!

“We’re all mad here”

A snippet taken from my well-thumbed copy of Alice… I take solace. Negotiating around various challenges this world throws at you, is very daunting. Being amongst similar creatures who all regurgitate pervasive stereotypes towards others, possibly due to their genetic biome – presents a terrifying idea. Despite my need to be visually unimpressive, and blend into the bustling background of society. Constraint taints my ability to reach a satisfying equilibrium between perfection, and lingering in the vagaries of madness.

Little Alice fell
d
o
w
n
the hole,
bumped her head
and bruised her soul

Therefore as I “Begin at the beginning,” the end is now near. I’ve finally submitted the last assignment for my undergraduate degree, and now with just the dissertation and one exam to go… I sense the impending failure, slowly trickling across my body.

What if this is a dream?

             What if I wake up to find that this fictitious creation, never stops?

                         “It would be so nice if something made sense for a change.”

Following desperate attempt to grasp control; I find myself trapped within a long-enduring  game of  cat and mouse. The dialogue “which way you ought to go depends on where you want to get to…” between the Cheshire and Alice, somewhat, signifies the indecision currently raging though my mind. Round and round, not always in circles, up and down – constant worries tick away; whilst anxiously watching for the optimal moment to pounce. Alongside various, thoughts concerning “Who am I then?” infects each meticulous step I take; there is definite truths within the passage, “if you drink much from a bottle marked ‘poison,’ it is almost certain to disagree with you, sooner or later.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland