Terrified

I have to say i’m terrified,

I’m terrified, even to jut admit, i’m terrified.

My conditioned self, is churning constantly with fear.

The unknown, being combined with looming clouds of dread… presents horrifying ideas, which my sun-conscious knows are false and absurd,

BUT

Critical thoughts and de-personalised voices, seem to be held captive in my head; unwillingly – by both parties.

They seem to be trapped within this cyclical paranoid loop of mutual agreement, of dissatisfaction. 

My head screams for help, and the thoughts yearns for escape, yet this adverse equilibrium (somehow must) remain.

And i’m terrified.

I’m terrified of this constant war.

This constant opposing journey of self discovery, which ironically (ultimately) is seeking for the same end point. 

I’m bewildered by contradicting cognitions, even within my own head… 

and the scary part is that these do not seem to be my internal voice/ my thoughts; but different people (personas/ voices/ personalities?).

Please don’t think it as being weird, I know that this cannot be the case.

Maybe think of it as mini emotions trapped inside you, each with individual motives: like in Inside Out (the Disney Film).

Nonetheless it is chilling, 

It’s terrifying…

But, still society moves on, so I must move with it.

Displaying agency or not, the facade of normality must continue…

Yet…. this should not disregard the fact, 

that i’m terrified!

“We’re all mad here”

A snippet taken from my well-thumbed copy of Alice… I take solace. Negotiating around various challenges this world throws at you, is very daunting. Being amongst similar creatures who all regurgitate pervasive stereotypes towards others, possibly due to their genetic biome – presents a terrifying idea. Despite my need to be visually unimpressive, and blend into the bustling background of society. Constraint taints my ability to reach a satisfying equilibrium between perfection, and lingering in the vagaries of madness.

Little Alice fell
d
o
w
n
the hole,
bumped her head
and bruised her soul

Therefore as I “Begin at the beginning,” the end is now near. I’ve finally submitted the last assignment for my undergraduate degree, and now with just the dissertation and one exam to go… I sense the impending failure, slowly trickling across my body.

What if this is a dream?

             What if I wake up to find that this fictitious creation, never stops?

                         “It would be so nice if something made sense for a change.”

Following desperate attempt to grasp control; I find myself trapped within a long-enduring  game of  cat and mouse. The dialogue “which way you ought to go depends on where you want to get to…” between the Cheshire and Alice, somewhat, signifies the indecision currently raging though my mind. Round and round, not always in circles, up and down – constant worries tick away; whilst anxiously watching for the optimal moment to pounce. Alongside various, thoughts concerning “Who am I then?” infects each meticulous step I take; there is definite truths within the passage, “if you drink much from a bottle marked ‘poison,’ it is almost certain to disagree with you, sooner or later.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

 

List and lessons – 3 years later

What have I achieved in my almost three years of studying psychology…. (to summarise below = not much)
  1. Learnt that all A-level stuff was pants and useless.
  2. Likewise, the process to be a psychologist, is to be synonymous with getting very old and studying for a long time.
  3. You will also begin to question everything, and ask for ‘scientific’ evidence for even the most mundane things.
  4. *point 3* can be both highly interesting and annoying for those around you, who have to suffer with listening to *that* squawky voice.
  5. At least I’ve now lived on my own, without killing anyone (ok minus the goldfish, which I forgot to feed)…
  6. And on that food front – what is food again? does that mean chocolate, potatoes and avocados with raw onion?
  7. Avoiding the kitchen is now becoming my profession. However I have a feeling that it may be my obsessiveness (diagnosed mad person, before anyone starts projecting hate towards this point) kicking in, as sharing a kitchen seriously freaks me out.
  8. There is also that slowly learning process of building a love-hate relationship with SPSS and statistics in general – I swear I thought that I was leaving mathematics behind when I choose to apply for a psychology degree.
  9. Ok, actually the whole degree process might as well kill me. I now no longer know how to formulate sentences, or write eloquently formed essays.
  10. Also lets not forget… word counts are never satisfying – 1000 words = not enough; 2500/3000 word = oh dear, this student is a little unsure about this; 10,000 words = Ok can I panic now? I think I need to submit a resignation form for essay writing…
  11. So for point 11… it is only fitting to conclude that you will never realise how much you rely on technology (i.e. my trusty laptop and phone) as everything is computerised. So never let your cat and chinchilla run over the precious laptop, and smash the screen, as you will be left stuck without your battery powered tool in completing the degree which is going to lead you being seriously in debt.

So yes, I think that this is all. As you see from this list, I haven’t really learnt much about psychological theories itself, but how life can be annoying at times. It’s strange to think, that I’d be graduating soon (providing that I don’t fail in life) as I honestly believe that I still don’t really know much about the field. But I suppose, since psychology is so broad that no one will be able to understand everything.

Rambles, rants and ravings – food!

Those who know me will be aware of my slightly unhealthy obsession with certain produce and fears surrounding others. However I must confess that my negative associations are based on personal experience with such dietary lifestyles. Although mine tended to be less self-imposed, but rather forced upon me, as my body does not tolerate gluten, lactose or celery – I guess I could consume these and end up on ventilating machines situated next to bleak walls and miliarity-lined hospital beds.

Yet I have been massively perturbed by the influx of individuals with ‘self-diagnosed’ dietary requirements – boosted by the glamorisation of ‘superfoods’ by so-called health experts. This promotion of healthy eating, although not unfounded as many cultures do reserve a completely un-refined, plant-based diet. It does scream health related dangers – opening doors for unwarranted obsessions around ‘clean’ eating and fuelling disordered eating. I would find some statistics supporting my argument at this point, being the ‘psychology student’ that I am, however it simply is not worth the time.

*Nevertheless I do feel in need of placing a disclaimer that these rambles are not applicable to dietary needs, recommended by a doctor, nutritionist; after all humans are a not a mirror copy of each other.*

There are shelved spilling with sleek healthy eating books: each with meticulously framed ‘works of art’ (food), demonstrating the delightful possibilities of each concoction. I do wonder how realistic it is to re-create those carefully poised creations by the author and photographer. To radically remove certain food groups can result in dangerous side-effects, and equally adding foods (e.g. meat after living a plant-based diet) following endured periods of not consuming them too. I acknowledge that many do successfully maintain a balanced diet without certain produce and that many of us are required to maintained very limited and carefully monitored diets, just to maintain healthy. I remain unconvinced that a radical-type diet is sustainable for the mass majority.

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Sweet potato brownies adapted from Deliciously Ella’s cook book

It pains me to see the rise of individuals with obsessional eating (and exercise). Surely this social projection of the benefits of such lifestyles neglect to demonstrate the constraints it places on people’s health. For example, to maintain my bloods at a semi-normal level, I am required to take handfuls of supplements to boost the quantities that my diet lacks: honestly I cannot phase the horrific effects of malnutrition that I personally have experienced (whats-more mine is nowhere near the worst). Being forced to receive litres of platelets, concentrated with the minerals my body failed to generate, is one of the worst feelings I have felt in my late teenage years. Moreover, as a result my ability to give blood to help others have been removed from me.

By no means the food I consume is ideal for my body; I often happen to accidentally give myself a allergic reaction following cross-contamination. However i am willing to learn and perhaps expand my some-what constrained plant-based diet.

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Bowlfuls of butternut-nosh and oven baked kale

Welcome 2017 – a time for change?

With 2017 passing rapidly, and February fast approaching, i am beginning to have a sense of fear. Although the process of writing 2.0.1.7 on tinted white paper feels invigorating, the looming sense disappearing time is a daunting feat. In many aspects, I cogitate my personal achievements, as i slowly manoeuvre myself to the finishing line. What previously was an impossible goal, when accounting for my poor physical and psychological health; the prospect of entering the last few months of my degree is a daunting one.

I will not focus to much into the nonsensical encounters of life and it’s complexities – which science and folklore cannot explain. However should we being to lose the will to live, in what may appear as a nebulous game of power (in terms of politics: Brexit and Trump) and the educational system. From my personal experience, it may be best not to delve to much into the past. Yes!  question it, but proceed to extract and compile information from those experiences, to learn from in the future.

Perhaps this is a naive path to take; yet I feel in this time of change, it is a wise path to follow. After all, personally I strive to become a more compassionate person, and someone is hopefully able to assist to those who deem themselves in need to assistance – guess that is why I am completing a psychology degree.

So i conclude with this little message from Albert Einstein – “The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”